the way we were

i miss meeester tang! our art teacher cum counsellor cum father cum ban mian buyer cum photo printer cum friend (:
"tzeqi, you sure the camera is focused annot?" "yea! should be la!" -_-
i think tzeqi looks like some taiwanese pop idol here. the male kind.
miss candy! (:

there is a strange coming-of-age feel when you walk into a classroom and write your name on the board, when you say "good morning, class" and forty people rise to greet you, when you speak and people listen (or dont), when you see students very much like yourself four years ago smiling shyly and saying "good afternoon, teacher" to you in the hallways. i was very taken aback at first when this group of students walking by me suddenly started bowing (kc was never into the bowing thing) and murmuring respectfully. then i remembered; "oh my goodness i'm a teacher."

it was lovely. it was lovely when a group of eager secondary-twos stayed back to talk to me for half an hour after my art lesson, discovering their opinions and fears, and that they'd just given me their recess period. it was lovely meandering around the classroom and joking with the shyer pupils that looked shocked at being noticed. it was lovely giggling like idiots at the back of the staff meeting with the other relief teachers.

but also extremely stressful. being in authority is stressful. i didnt think my first day would be the day that i defied defiance with "Get out of my classroom", although yes, it is my classroom, something i didnt really realise until that moment.

my friend and i went to explore the school and found a secret staircase that led to a secret door, rather stupidly labelled "Fern Cove". sadly, this secret door was locked and even our special teacher cards couldnt open it (though there was great excitement upon realising they gave us access to all kind of grown-ups-only places, like the staff bathroom, and this other room full of pillows and lovely airconditioned air). WHY, PALM COVE, WHY?

we were also obliged to go for a staff meeting, where i discovered teachers are people too when the asking-for-it statement,"now that you have your own extension number, when people call you your phone will actually ring!" was met with a sarcastic "WAHHH..." followed by sheepish giggles.

i am mystified by my fellow teachers, who seem so secretly strong. of course, those in the english and arts departments wear their strength on their sleeves, but there are so many that shuffle around the staffroom wrapped up in introversy, and im amazed that they can control a yelling screaming paper-throwing class, and have done so every weekday for the past decade or so. meanwhile, in the middle of the unleashed havoc of adolescence (which i am in the awkward stage of graduating from), i felt an overwhelming helplessness and despair that wasnt to be solved by torrents of shouting or tears (both of which i was at the brink of), and that even my pretty new teacher's card couldnt help.

what is strength?

not what i thought it was.