the day.

everyday in the office i allocate the half an hour before and after lunch hour to time-wasting online. since yesterday was RESULTSDAY, i went to every site of people i know (or dont know) to try to find someone who felt remotely like i felt yesterday. alas, the only people who posted were either elated (and thus disqualified), and the only people i thought would have something significant to say had no post. so i suppose i shall write for myself, and maybe for the other people who are looking too.

results are a very lonely thing indeed. i felt this acutely whenever i talked to anyone in the time leading up to two o'clock yesterday. we all had such different expectations and hopes, there was nothing we could really share. the generic answer to "so how?" was always "i dunno man.." or something similarly vague and insubstantial. we were being secretly secretive, we were horribly afraid. at least, i was.

this is what happened:

the art girls arranged to meet at 10am at the East Coast McDonalds for breakfast. "Cannot be late ah! otherwise we'll miss breakfast!" was tzeqi's message, but of course, i arrived there at 10.03am, candy arrived at 10.30, tzeqi at 11.15 and fang yang at some-incredibly-disgusting-and-outrageous-time-like-1pm.

anyway.

obviously we talked pretty much about the impending unknown constantly, and come 2pm when we headed towards school we all kind of fell silent. by the time we climbed the bridge, i was having trouble breathing, and everything was becoming hazy and unimportant. the walk from the bus stop to school seemed like miles but somehow we got to the hall, and then found we didnt have the courage to go in. there was a lot of cheering going on inside, there were people leaning weakly against the pillars outside looking shell-shocked, there were huddled groups of pale faces and nervous laughter. we kind of drifted, until we heard the roar of shuffling feet and we pushed through the people. "take your results and go straight to the art room." i took mine and left. fang yang was already there, and she opened the door for me and asked me why the air con was off, as if that was what either of us cared about. tzeqi had come up with me. we sat together in the dim fluorescence, giving each other far too much space, afraid to infringe or be infringed upon, each one folding up into themselves.

we must have sat there for an hour at least. there was alot of guilt and anger and disappointment, and, since we are girls, crying as well. we didnt talk. i paced around. i told my mum not to call me. mr tang came up with candy. sam and eldon came up. we sat some more. after the hour, we'd try to comfort each other, but seriously, what is there to say? angela came, lovely angela, so solid and confidant, and that helped. all of it helped, i needed all of them to be there. pam came too, and sat in that quiet, unimposing way of hers. there was a lot of sitting, really.

there was a point where things got better, and we ventured downstairs to see our class, and some teachers. most of my classmates had slightly puffy faces, but i pretended not to notice, and so did they. some people i knew looked gloriously happy, but quiet from the guilt of being happy in the unhappiness. we stayed for a while, then went back upstairs.

i think after a while we forgot about everything for a while, or at least, pretended to, and whined about other things, and laughed.

then i left, and went to church for a meeting. all the while, my phone was beeping and buzzing stupidly, and all these strangers were asking how i did rather than how i was.

when i got to church, brenda hugged me and said congratulations, and i nearly cried. i told mel about what mr harris had said, and i nearly cried. my father called me, and i did cry. there was just so much crying and at the end of it all i felt so tired and irritated and weak, and now that i think about it, i dont really know why yesterday was so strange and painful and exhausting all at the same time. but it was an ending, so maybe that's why.

but i am so proud of everyone. we've made it, in a semblance of a way, so thank God for that.