(melodrama alert!)

i am suddenly very tired of being a person. i mean this not in a suicidal way, but in the way that a mother gets tired of being a mother, even though she has loved that role and will always possess it. but at some point she must grow weary of the constant asking, the constant expectation, the small hand outstretched knowing it will receive something good, and that somehow mother will always know what to do. i have never really known what to do, and so i resigned myself to comfortable ignorance. but suddenly its not enough, there is no peace in inactivity for me anymore.

i think writing about God is one of the most difficult things to do. i say this because when i read what i've written in my journal or what other people have written on their blogs, a lot of the time God is somewhere in the back, a last resort, an excuse. today was unbearably hard, but i know i still have God. well i dont understand any of this, but it must be God's will. it was an amazing experience, thank God! why is God always the ending, the aftertaste? i think because we dont make room enough for Him in our beginnings. the best literature i have read on the matter is the kind that doesnt include God but includes the self into God, because that is closer to the truth - man is reconciled to God and not the other way around. He is not meant to be slotted into our lives or created in the image of Christianity.

and i still dont know what to say about God. i am always afraid that He will be reduced in the saying, that i'll end up making Him sound cliche or redundant, the bread of the masses, the point the weak cling to because they are afraid of the blankness of eternity. and so at the end of this post i still cannot describe to you what He is like, this constant Song. But if i did, it would be something about wholeness, and rest and love, and other deep unexplainable things.

"We need never shout across the spaces to an absent God. He is nearer than our own soul, closer than our most secret thoughts."
...A.W. Tozer (1948)