where i heap blame aplenty for my erratic feminine emotions onto something else (again.)

junk mail is making me apathetic. in gmail they pretty much sift it out for you, deciding which letters are worthy enough to end up in your mailbox, and so i get weekly emails from amazon and ebay but SeXy LoLa is denied access. but my ntu account is daily full of rubbish, either offers to free workshops that all deal with exam stress or not being able to sleep, which are very depressing to me, because yes, i get stressed, and yes, sometimes i am unable to sleep, but i still would not want to have someone else tell me how to deal with these things. they are life, and i am starkly afraid of cleaning up my life to the point that it ceases to be a life, and becomes something shiny and detestable. so i deal with them, because they are life.

anyway, a few days ago i got a message from the CI Club with the very enticing subject title Feel The Love! or something along those reggae-sounding lines. but it was better than the usual "Student Union Presents... EXAM WELFARE PACKAGE 2006!" (two things very, very wrong there, not excluding the mystical reason why the SU felt compelled to assault me with capital letters) so i left it unread in my mail box for a few days until i'd have time to read it. like now. but i open up my mail box and realise i really can't care less, i really don't want to know what the CI Club wants me to Feel The Love! about.

i find myself becoming more and more apathetic to things, or at least, that parts of me are closing while others are beginning to open, and so in the transition i'm not sure what to feel. certain things, like the things that i love, are becoming clearer, but everything else is stepping obligingly backwards until i cannot make out their features, or what they were in my life for.

today i had drama rehearsal for my performance on wednesday and when i arrived the others werent there yet. i hadn't expected the door to the black box to be open, and there was a moment of total blankness when the door clicked open, and i stood there, a pale figure in a dark opening. I flicked one of the lights on and the space blinked into view and it was gloriously empty! commandingly empty. i wanted to prostrate myself on the floor and lie there forever, breathing and living and wanting and dying. but first, i was very excited. i turned on the dimmest lights there were, not wanting to chase away the delicious shadows watching me from the curtains, took out my book and lay on my belly, reading. after about ten minutes, when no one else had appeared, i decided to explore my options. i left the book in the centre of the room where i'd laid down (and anyone who came in then would have seen the evidence of my existence, lying face down and unassuming in the cloudy light) and began pulling across the heavy curtains that run around three of the four walls, and i found the piano.

meanwhile, outside of all the strange spaces when we are alone and both hungry and full, there is taboo.

"ok, there's this guy in this thing, and he's going to ride it like RRRR and whooo busshhhhhhhh"

and there is vivienne, xi jie, ling and i, eating ban mian in canteen 13, and talking about giving birth.

vivienne: i'm just going to ask them to give me all the painkillers i can take, and then i'll sleep.
xi jie: YOU CAN'T SLEEP WHILE YOU'RE GIVING BIRTH!
vivienne: why? people sleep when they're having their legs cut off.
xi jie: then one day your daughter will ask "what were you doing when i came out?" and you'll say "oh, i was sleeping"