because SOMEONE says i must blog more. (SOMEONE who also loves a certain chinese school.)

Your new version of Blogger is ready!

gosh, i wasn't prepared for that.

i am quite enjoying tuition. actually, no, that is a lie. i dread it terribly, and i try to keep my mouth clamped shut when i'm not talking while tears stream down my face from the supressed yawns. teachers cannot yawn, you know! it is not all bad, i love my students! they are lovely lovely, and they say funny things. today, i was reading jedi apprentice book one with A, the p5 boy, and i was trying to explain to him which character yoda was. after making large gestures around my ear-area and trying to remember how yoda talks, something clicked and he asked me if it was the small, tiny, green boy. yes! you took the words straight out of george lucas' mouth!

I feel horrified that my friends are gone now. In vain, we message each other now and then, exchanges that always end with earnest cries of "must meet up soon k!" Where has everyone gone? Where are we all going? Life is so full of unfulfilled meetings, alas!

I feel ambitionless. The other day, i met up with an old friend, and listening to him talk about what he hopes for career and future, i felt displaced. All i want from life is love, and living. Don't talk to me about cars and portfolios, they make me panic. I am in mass communications, but when you ask me what i really want to do, i still want to be a mural painter, or a portrait photographer, or someone who walks through the woods with dogs trailing behind her, noses wet and unassuming. and none of these things link to mass communications, which seems to be very grasping and cut-throat. i knew this when i chose it, so why did i? i like the learning, and the projects, and the thinking, but what will become of me when i graduate?

I hope that i will find that the world is not a sponge to squeeze and drink from.

I have to say honestly now, that sometimes, when everyone is shouting and the music is loud, i don't feel God, i feel trapped and overwhelmed, like rabbits who get blinded by oncoming traffic, i sometimes feel like i am dying. Today i knelt down and kept quiet while the music went on, and after a while i couldnt hear it anymore, and i felt at peace. but then when i opened my eyes, it all came back, and i felt like God had left me to go to some quieter place.